Scott's Life Journal
March 2010

Tuesday, March 9

Self administration still has it's grip on me. Saturday's mail presented me with a thick envelope from the CPA/lawyer's office with our tax return to review and ensure there were no omissions and misstatements. Just looking at the first page ensured me I was in no position to accomplish such thing. How could I possibly discover anything missing of all the data I supplied them with. Instead of starting to worry I fired off an email to the sender informing him of the situation and arranging for a Monday appointment to discuss the figures. Scott had gotten a CPA license many years ago, I guess avoiding boredom between job assignments, and had consequently always prepared the taxes. Well, I got this hurdle sorted out. While it is costing me a pretty penny, I have my peace of mind and can worry about other things. But living by Scott's principle I try to avoid worrying as much as I can and am getting much better at it. If something starts to worry me, I push it aside, get back to it later and try to rationally think about it with a clear and unstressed mind.

My sleeping patters are slowly improving and during the last few nights I was able to rest uninterruptedly for 5 or even 6 hours. Now I still go to bed late, but I rise early as I don't sleep as much as I used to. I am more rested and my head does not feel like a giant cotton ball ready to tumble off. During the late evening hours I sometimes listen to a movie or one of the CSI, Bones, NCIS or Law and Order series while working on a less challenging or repetitive section of my art/craft projects, that does not require my full attention. I have always worked on several pieces concurrently and when I get bored with one I just switch over to the next. Not all projects get finished at the same time. Some are still resting and waiting for the final touch, after how many years?? Oh well, it does not matter.

During the day when I am at home I greatly enjoy the quiet of our place. Scott and I never had the radio or TV running during day and while working as it was too distracting. This habit has stuck with me. And I don't feel alone either. I miss Scott an awful lot and it is painful to continue my life without him, but I do not feel alone. During those past years together we never needed constant stimulation, entertainment or distraction by either music, movies or people. There were always projects to work on or read about and get stimulated to learn something new. I can say with great conviction that I will never be bored and can live quite happily in an environment without cell phone, SMS, iPod and iPhone. It amazes me that more and more people are almost constantly staring at or working on their electronic gadgets and seem more and more addicted to them and less able to travel through their days without them. In the elevator, in the park, on the street, on the bus or subway, everywhere you encounter your fellow human beings, there is somebody checking for messages, sending or listening to one. I guess there must be a void in their lives that must be filled with endless distraction, constant need for communication and compulsive errands. It would be stressful for me and I cannot imagine what all these people would do, were they suddenly isolated from their gadgets. Maybe some even sleep with them. I would not be surprised.

Well, I guess I made my point. I love being with our friends, but I enjoy the human contact and personal exchange.

Friday, March 5

The other day I had lunch with our special friend Sabine, a great fighter and survivor in her own right and inspiration to all. I always enjoy getting together with her and catching up on the latest news in her life. Towards the end of our conversation she somewhat reluctantly handed me the copy of a magazine article with the comment, that I might find it interesting, it had reminded her of Scott and me. It turned out to be the love story written by Lisa Niemi, about her life with her husband Patrick Swayze. The title immediately captured my interest: "I can still feel his hand in mine". I stored it in my purse for later reading. While waiting on the platform for the subway train on the way home I started reading, but realized quickly it was not to be read in public, I had to wait for the privacy of our home.

Once at home I immediately got immersed in the story and understood Sabine's comment. Not only was the way both men handled their illness but also the closeness of the relationship showed so many similarities, starting with the title. Scott and I would hold hands all the time and got many comments over the years from strangers on the bus, in the street, in the park or wherever we walked. It was such a feeling of comfort and security to hold Scott's hand and feel it's pressure on my fingers. Up to the last moment of his life, we were holding hands. I was holding it when he passed away shortly after midnight into the New Year.

I never have to regret not telling Scott how much I loved him. We would always reassure each other of our love and affection and just looking into his eyes I knew how much he loved me. I know I made him very happy and we both felt secure and had no secrets. We could let each other go, be very silly and we even had our own language. The usual terms of endearment such as "honey, love, dear, baby etc." were never used, we made up our own. Sometimes, even before his illnesses, he would broach the subject of me having to spend quite a few years of my life without him. The statistics and the age difference were working against us. This topic was always painful and I did not want to think or brood about it. Scott was very matter of fact and logic on the subject and told me I would have to go through the mourning period, but remembering our many happy years would help the transition into a new life for me. His words are emblazoned in my mind and I remember them every time I get overwhelmed with grief and teary eyed. I know I have to go through this difficult time, but it will eventually get better. Having no regrets about anything helps a lot, as well as supporting friends and a number of interests and projects that will always keep me busy.

Wednesday, March 3

Talking on the phone to Carol Jo Morgan the other day, a longtime friend from the "Bead World", we recounted a story which represents a perfect example of Scott's unrestrained and open sense of humor. She had plans to visit Chicago with her husband Joe and spend the weekend with me, but a persistent cold changed everything. Again, we got a good laugh remembering the incident and I asked her to write it up for me to post on the journal.

Years ago, when I was The Bead Lady, I would visit Scott and Elisabeth to do buying for the shop and they helped me make other connections in the bead world. During one of my weekend trips to see them in Chicago, Scott offered to take me to meet a couple who had a warehouse of imported natural beads he thought I might like to see. Scott, Elisabeth, and I ventured to Chicago’s south side one dark evening to the warehouse, and I was soon selecting treasures to purchase. The bead addicts among you will know that the experience is all-consuming, and the focus can be intense, but Scott had attracted the couple’s two young children to him by sitting on a folding chair and leaning forward to their level, talking with them, teasing and laughing, making funny faces. All three were giggling, well…like kids!

I was drawn to the scene because of the sheer fun of it, but Scott caught my attention when he announced to the children that he could do something they couldn’t do. He had their full attention, but they became spellbound, frozen is place, when he told them he could take his teeth out. Their eyes were as big as saucers, their mouths gaped open, and they shook their heads that this could not be so. After a moment of pure suspense, Scott ceremoniously removed his dentures! My mouth and eyes were wide open, too, and the looks on the children’s faces were so funny that we all burst into laughter, to the point of pain. I had never seen anything so spontaneously hilarious in my life, and doubt I ever will again. I will always be grateful to Scott for etching that experience in my memory forever. As you may guess, I can’t think of it without bursting out in giggles…every time. Carol Jo Morgan, Champaign, Illinois

Over the years we lost contact with the parents, running into them occasionally at trade shows. As our participation at shows ended many years ago, we never encountered them again. By now those two children are adults, but I am convinced they too will remember this incident forever.

Writing this update made me smile and remember the great time we had together.

Monday, March 1

Today I will give the reader the opportunity to read about the experiences Alexander Marsh had with Scott. He is Scott's first counsin Alan's 25 year old son.

One of the most encouraging things that Scott Bartky illustrated was that one’s status, age, or background should not be an obstacle to having a good conversation. He showed this by being able to talk with anyone, finding a common denominator and building upon it. I first began to talk with Scott when I was about seven years old. Curious in science, Scott indulged me by reducing what were regarded as complex principles and theories to basic language. It is the sign of not only high intelligence to be able to do this, but also great generosity, as often these discussions would go on for hours.

He was knowledgeable about all things mechanical, and we spent many days together where he taught me about tree cutting, as he described the best way to cut trees on a case by case basis to ensure they would fall where you wanted them. He loved the outdoors, and I accompanied him on many long walks throughout my family’s wooded property, always coming home with a newfound appreciation for something in the world. Sometimes it was nature, sometimes machines, sometimes economics, but always something different. He could simplify world issues to the point where I could imagine the ambitions and momentum of entire countries and see how the world’s competition was generated.

He did not dwell on unimportant and superficial things. He did not care about things that were just expensive. He could see through pretentious image, and he did not give it the time of day. He was, however, a lover of the arts. He introduced me to Monty Python movies, groundbreaking videogames, art exhibitions, ancient medical tools, photography, and much more. He never allowed himself to be bored. He knew there was always something interesting around the corner if he just took the steps to check it out.

Even while on a constant supply of oxygen, Scott was still inventing, creating, and finding solutions to problems with persistence and enthusiasm. While he was going to dialysis twice a week and could barely walk, he still energetically spent days fixing a personal computer of mine that had been crashed. On the night of the 2008 American Presidential election, he watched from his dialysis bed expressed great optimism for the country’s future. - Alexander Marsh, Chicago and Ottawa, Illinois

Friday, February 26

The days go by so quickly and I guess this update will be a week in review. This makes it sound like a newspaper or TV commentator. As we are already on that subject, Scott's favorite columnist was Paul Krugman, who's "Conscience of a Liberal" he had bookmarked on the laptop and read religiously (as am I). His second favorite was Floyd Norris, the chief financial correspondent of the NYT. Scott always kept up on the financial and economic news. In addition he subscribed to EEETimes, Laboratory Equipment PC Magazine and R & D magazine to stay abreast of new developments in those fields. Scott's mind was constantly working on something and it amazes me how he stored all the new information. But he did, selectively.

Useless and unimportant information did not get stored and we both could watch reruns of movies or episodes of series on TV, even though we remembered having seen them at some point. The majority of movies with high ratings never appealed to us and we discovered that those claiming just one or two stars at the most where more to our liking. Over the years we came across several off the wall movies such as "Powwow Highway", "Waking Ned Devine", "The Baghdad Cafe" just give an example. We got interested only in certain TV series and watched those episodes more less regularly. CSI NY, Miami and Las Vegas, Law and Order, NCIS and Bones. I guess it was more important to relax on the couch together. Scott would lie down and position himself in a way where his outstretched feet would touch my thigh sitting at one end of the couch. Throughout the entire TV watching period I would massage his feet and toes. Getting sleepy was instantly noticeable as my movements would slow down or come to a complete stop. This would result in a gentle complaint, first by a vigorous wiggling of the feet, followed by a verbal one. I would claim that Scott had famous toes, as I believed over the years we must have become eligible for an entry in the Guiness Book of Records for toe massages.

But I deviated considerably from my entry phase of giving a "week in review". I had to make a trip to the Social Security office, Scott had been eligible for one more payment for which I had to file an application. More bureaucracy to attend to with the City of Chicago by having to renew the license. Slowly everything is taken care of. I spent some more time at the office sorting through the lamp work beads that are still sitting there. We had been talking about getting them out into the world and I will start that process now. It has always been a pleasure to work with beads, not only by turning them into something wearable, but just handling and sorting them is relaxing. Over the years I used to unpack, sort and store literally tons of beads. When Scott sold the inventory I missed that part. And so I spent hours the other day, sorting and recording. It was soothing work and I did not break out in tears as I did when confronted with the tools and projects Scott had been involved with. I like this quiet time with beads or working on my own projects.

Sometimes on weekends Scott and I would not talk to each other for hours. We got involved in our own worlds and would work away. It never bothered me and in this time and age of electronic communication many telephone conversations have become an ancient relic. Most of my communication is by email also (no SMS, I greatly dislike them), it is more convenient in particular with my irregular sleeping pattern. I do talk to Moosie (our big stuffed moose) all the time and he is in charge of the house when I am gone. He was Scott and my great companion and all our past house or dinner guests will remember him. Moosie is also very cuddly. Please do not worry about me, I am fine and not going to be the subject of a new novel "The tale of the lost marbles".

Monday, February 22

The massage was superb. For 1,5 hours my muscles were being worked on, from head to toes, it was so relaxing. I was very happy to have followed Judy's recommendation to visit her therapist. It was one of the best massages I had in many years. The last massage I had was probably close to 4 years ago and by far not as good. Very impressed I made the next appointment. For the rest of the day I drank a lot of water and had an easy afternoon. Later that evening our friend and neighbor Bob in the building had invited me to join him for dinner. He prepared one of my favorites, broiled lamb loin chops with fresh asparagus. We had nice long conversations. Bob, our friend Linda, Scott and I had shared many dinners and discussions over the years. We also used to get together for New Year's Eve and welcome the New Year. With his calm and quiet presence, Bob is an understanding friend. He knows about the pain of loosing a loved partner, as he lost his wife to cancer many years ago.

The weekend was busy. Getting together with friends, visiting a small bead show, working at my cluttered desk and sorting more documents and papers, making a list of things to do starting by Monday morning. I have to get some more work done at the office. So far I have not really made much progress, at least now I know what is hiding in the stacks of boxes and storage cabinets. Scott had so many tools and supplies there. A stock of lamp work beads is also there. I wish so much I could talk about the tools and projects with Scott. It is so hard just to be in the middle of it all, not knowing what to do next. Every time I am there I start crying again, it makes me feel so helpless.

During this past year I avoided conversations about his projects as I knew he could not continue working on them and I did not want to bring up a hurtful subject. Scott’s mind was constantly busy and working on ideas, either new or trying to improve something existing. He often stated, the mind is the biggest toy the human being got and supposed to be used. Scott was understanding, tolerant and a great teacher, ignorance was what really got to him and he did not suffer fools. He definetely had been given a splendid toy at birth.

Thursday, February 18

This past days have been more difficult, in particular during late morning and midday. I just cannot function the way I would prefer to. Unexpectedly something triggers my memory and I have a damp moment again. I am postponing going out and when I finally manage to get my act together I feel drained and tired. Friends are checking on me how I am doing and I very much appreciate their care and concern. Yesterday I received a call from Norma, Dr. Schlueter's assistant at the dialysis center. It was so nice to hear from her. She wanted to know how I was doing, one of her collegues was speculating if I was perhaps working on jewelry again. At one point she had been very interested in one of my bracelets. I told her that I will pay them a visit at a later point, when I feel emotionally more stable. I spent so much time with Scott at the dialysis center, that it is painful for me to go back.

Yes, I am working on some jewelry again, but I am also knitting, mostly in the evenings when I am watching something on TV. I am creating my own designs and having a lot fun eperimenting. There are two projects I am concurrently working on. Usually I am working on several pieces, some of them have been waiting in the finishing stages for several years. Scott used to tease me about that, and I explained why I would not finish a piece, once it was passed the design stage. Often I have new ideas and want to start on those before the vanish out of my head. Sometimes I also get stuck and need new inspiration to continue.

Occassionaly people ask me what I do with my time. Maybe I am inefficient, but I am always busy. Now that I finished working on the taxes, got paperwork sorted out, looked through many years of pictures, there should theoretically be more time. I am definetely not spending it on fighting dust bunnies (I have always loved that word, I think it is hilarious. There is no comparable expression in German) or rearranging the furniture and engaging in other related activities. Have not even found time to read yet, other than the online news in the morning.

My outdoor activities are still limited, which I plan on changing. I am treating myself to a massage on Friday. I have not indulged in that kind of luxury for several years and am looking forward to having my limp muscles worked on. Scott always encouraged me to do things for myself and when our friend Judy talked about her regular appointments I thought it a splendid idea to splurge on my body.

Monday, February 15

After my morning coffee (nothing happens BC Before Coffee) I called our friend Annemarie in Austria. Yesterday was not only Valentine's Day and Chinese New Year, but also her birthday. My best intentions to call her, had not materialized and I made up for it today. We had not talked in a while and she was curious how I was doing. She and her husband, as well her son Klaus who had stayed with us one summer, had all been very fond of Scott. He had impressed and inspired them in the way he handled his illnesses, his positive attitude and perseverance. I wish Annemarie all the best, she too is a great fighter with her own health issues and role model in her own right.

Our friend Carol Jo came to visit on Sunday from Champaign/Urbana. I had not seen her in over a year and it was so good to lay eyes on her again. Towards the end of Scott's 5 week hospitalization in 2008 she helped me out after Susan and Ernie had to return home after their own lengthy stay. Even though we stay in touch mostly via email and the occasional phone call we had a lot of catching up to do. By mid afternoon she had to leave to pick up her pooch Louie from the pet hotel on her way home.

I dropped all the tax paperwork off with the accountant today. What a relief. Luckily I had collected everything in different steadily growing piles over the last year and just needed to extract the data by digging in. Right after Carol Jo left I dived into the piles and started working. It was just a matter of compiling an itemized list. It still took longer than I had expected, but I guess that is the norm. Apparently I had done a better job than I had given myself credit for, the accountant was happy. He pointed to a stack of boxes on the floor some of this clients had left with him to sift through the receipts they contained. What a chore.

I took a long walk from his office on my way home to air out my head. It was cold and damp. The weather and President's Day kept the streets quite deserted. Just missing my express bus due to an unfavorable traffic light forced me to spend some time at my favorite Border's. Needless to say I ended up with a book. A travel book on Albuquerque and Santa Fe. I will be joining Susan who will be taking workshops at Convergence Conference during the second part of July.

Sunday, February 14

Valentines Day. Happy Valentines Day, everybody!!!

Scott and I never really paid too much attention to this particular day. I always had the feeling your partner, friend, significant other should not need a special occasion to show his/her affection and love. It should be more spontaneous, without particular reason and come as a total surprise to the recipient. Early on in our relationship I made it clear to Scott that he did not need to purchase flowers, perfume, jewelry or take me to a fancy restaurant for one of the customary gift giving days, cooking one of my favorite meals would be sufficient. Such as broiled lamb loin chops, one of my favorites. He was more than happy to oblige and compensated in very unique ways.

Scott would sometimes leave post it notes with little messages in different places for me to find, specially decorate meals (often he would turn my Sunday cholesterol sunny side up eggs into a funny face). A few years ago he turned both halves of a walnut shell into two miniature sail boats by gluing a toothpick into the inside centers and putting a little paper sail on top. Those were the surprises I loved, they made me smile and happy. I still have the little walnut sailboats, they are riding on top of a pile of New Zealand beach pebbles in a wooden plate sitting by the window. An other time he made a little bee by using some of our beads and wire, leaving it on my placemat to find. It has those cute curly antennae and rests on the base of my lamp at the work table.

We had the same taste in artwork and would buy pieces throughout the year, when we discovered and could afford them. A calendar occasion was not necessary. Going to art fairs was always exciting, initially we would test each other by pointing out several select pieces asking the other to pick their absolute favorite. Incredible as it was, but we always gravitated to the same work. When it came to jewelry by some of our favorite artists, Scott always had to convince me to buy something for myself. I am very happy that he succeeded and over time we became proud owners of superb pieces by great artists such as Valerie Hector, Steff Korsage, Kristina Logan, Todd Reed and Kevin O'Grady.

Birthdays and Christmas were usually not gift giving occasions either. We always managed to find something we were convinced we could not live without during the year. Scott and I were on a perpetual honeymoon. Just a few months ago we were talking about the fact, how wonderful it was to still be on honeymoon after over 21 years. I guess that also explains why we could dispense with Valentines Day.

Thursday, February 11

Being from a long line of teachers Scott had the rare ability to present all subjects at the level appropriate to the student, from beginner to expert. He also encouraged young people to get the best education they possibly could. It was utterly rewarding for him to see his proteges succeed and called these his greatest achievements in life. Not that staggering number of patents was important, no it was the lives he was able to influence and consequently change.

A quote by the Dalai Lama comes to mind. " Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality".

Following is a recount of his experiences with Scott by our friend Don Bak. Over the years we shared many great dinners, walks and conversations with Don and his wife Judy. Scott was always very fond of Don and proud of his achievements.

It was June 1974 and I was about 21 looking for a summer job in the electronics industry. I did not want any non-electronics job, but little was posted in the paper for entry level with only a high school diploma. I started going through the Yellow pages, paper then, calling any company near my house that was listed under electronics. Eventually, I got to the "P's" and called Prometrics I spoke to his partner Rame Bull and got an interview. I interviewed with Rame and he said that I would have to meet his partner before I could be hired. I never interview with Scott, but got the job and worked at Prometrics for 5 years. Scott told me later that if I had the initiative to make all those calls to find Prometrics that was all he needed to know. I worked with him on many of the work related tasks (Prometrics, Byad, AM International). I was his number 2 at New York Times project and we worked 12 hour days in Alexandria Virginia. We had breakfast, lunch and dinner together. I stayed out there for about 4-5 weeks and returned home to finish my thesis. He continued for about another 12. I didn’t know that when I worked with him it wasn’t normal to attack so many difficult problems during your career. He did about 5 lifetimes of creative work. I did more projects with Scott then I have completed since Prometrics and had a very diverse learning experience with him. We always kept in touch after I left and later started Byad together trying to make it in the PC startup. In the mid-80's I recommended for the position at AM Technologies where he was located in Cambridge for several years. Scott encouraged to me to get a master in computer science with my bachelor in electrical engineer. A unique combination that has served me well.

He was a great friend and mentor and I will not experience a friend like that again.

Don Bak

Tuesday, February 9

During the night everything got covered with a blanket of snow. No more cruel sunlight, it was actually quite dark this morning. I had to rush out early to my appointment with Dr. Kalainov, an orthopedic surgeon at Northwestern Memorial hospital who had been suggested by our GP to look at my stiff thumb. He did, decided it was a trigger thumb, pushed a cortisone shot into it, told me to stay healthy and wished me luck. As I am almost ambidextrous I can deal more easily with the reduced usage of my right thumb. Considering what happened to Scott, this is so insignificant.

After signing a paper at the accountant's office, I got to the pleasant part of the day, lunch with Sabine. We had not seen each other in a couple of weeks and got caught up on events in our lives. I always greatly enjoy getting together with her. Scott was very fond of here and she had a special place in his heart. A while ago I had asked readers to write about their experiences with Scott and it seems perfect timing to get the following response from her.

Scott, you will always have a very special place in my heart. Words can hardly express the gratitude I feel for your compassionate care and your ever lasting support during the most difficult time of my life. I will always remember the walks we took along the lakefront, a little bit further each day. You made fruit salad for me and then worked on your laptop while I was resting. We went to see the Bodyworlds exhibit at the Museum of Science and Industry and "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". I loved our conversations we had during these adventures and I always admired your vast knowledge.

You were also the greatest teacher I have ever had. You taught me to always look for the bright side in life, not to waste my energy on worrying about things I cannot change but to save this energy until I really needed it, and that it's all good as long as I have options. I will forever cherish the time we spent together. I have learned so much from you and I am so grateful to have known you. My only wish was for you and Elisabeth to have the opportunity to enjoy this stage in your lives and it hurts me to think about this difficult past year. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend.....and for introducing me to a very beautiful kitty named Mutts and its little pink sock! Love always, Sabine

Monday, February 8

After a lengthy absence the sun decided to make an appearance again. As much as I love our large windows with their east exposure, the morning sunlight tends to be utterly cruel. Sitting at the laptop with my vital morning coffee I noticed that a protective layer of dust had quietly but thoroughly settled on the entire apartment. Resigning to the inevitable I grabbed r2d2 our vacuum cleaner from his resting place and started fighting the dust. Once kitchen and hallway were finished I continued with the book shelves.

How easy it is to get distracted, and how welcome the distraction. On one of the book shelves I came across a spectacular piece of Fukang pallasite Scott and I had purchased from the Meteorite Center of the University of Arizona during one of our visits to the Tucson Gem Show. Pallasites are a type of stony-iron meteorites with beautiful olivine crystals. Taking it off it's stand I held it against the sunlight admiring it while traveling down memory lane again. We had such great times at the Tucson Gem, Mineral and Fossil Show. For those of you unfamiliar with the show it is an international marketplace of gems, minerals, fossils, beads and jewelry-making supplies as well as museum exhibits in 44 shows at 42 locations across Tucson. Years ago we used to exhibit there and later just came to visit. An incredible and not to be missed experience. Anything from the finest diamond to fossilized dinosaur poop is on display to be admired and purchased.

It turned for us into a social event meeting up with our "bead industry friends" as well as a learning experience satisfying our curiosity and interest in minerals and fossils. After visiting the different bead shows, Scott and I would spend several days venturing from one venue to the next, sometimes to warehouses packed with huge geodes, Moroccan ammonites, slabs of fossilized wood etc. It was fascinating.

To refresh my memory on pallasite I consulted the laptop. Well, one thing led to another and time went by quickly until I realized it was time to leave and meet a friend for lunch. R2d2 was packed away again to continue his hibernation. No guilt feelings on my part, in my minds eye I see Scott smiling now. It would have been much more important for him to do something educational or just fun, dusting and ironing were not important. He was horrified when he saw me ironing his shirts for the first time and told me not to do it again. And he was very adamant about it. I was speechless at first, but very delighted. Scott was an unusual husband.

Sunday, February 7

A good friend suggested to write down my plans for the future. I suppose I should consider doing that. At the moment I am still preoccupied with some legal issues, the upcoming taxes and cleaning up Scott's office as well as at home. The cleaning up process is slowed considerably by emotional interruptions and sometimes I just flee the scene after a while to continue a day or more later. This does not really encourage steady progress, but I am trying. Working on my fun projects helps me regain my mental and emotional balance (or so I hope). At the moment I am laboring over a sterling silver pendent holding a beach pebble in a bezel. The pebble has sentimental value as we collected it with a significant number of his cousins on a New Zealand beach. It will always remind me of one of the most beautiful vacations we ever had. The pendent competes with two knitting projects. My own designs and fun to develop. Scott loved to see me create and always encouraged it. I miss not being able to show him my current work and get his objective opinion and suggestions for change or improvement. Sigh. But I will continue to work and share everything with Scott in spirit.

Scott was very happy to watch his daughter Susan excel with her weaving skills and win price after price. Seeing the creative spirit emerge so strongly in her youngest daughter Annie delighted him equally. When she announced planning on taking glass blowing classes it was better than a birthday present. During her last visit to Chicago she presented us with her latest creation. A beautiful glass blown double neck vase. Both, Susan and Annie also engage in knitting, felting, crocheting, wire and some bead work and attend workshops together. This is just down my own alley. I am very happy that Scott was able to see their work and observe the artistic streak working its way down through the next generations. For me it is equally pleasing as we have shared common interests in the past and have future plans for trips to conventions. Susan and Annie will join me for the first time at Bead and Button in June. Scott and I both knew they will have a blast.

Our accountant and legal adviser suggested at my first meeting with him after Scott's passing not to make any major decisions during the next six months. A rational and wise one, it seems to me. I am still having problems sleeping and thinking clear and this state of mind does not generally stimulate rational decisions either. Fleeing the scene and moving back to Austria does not appeal to me. A change of location would not solve the problems and heal the pain. Only time can do that. Scott loved spending time with me in Austria and I will make extended trips there in the future.

Leaving our home here permanently would be painful for me. We spent so many happy and productive years here, not necessarily on housework. Scott invented the crimping pliers and worked on several other projects, I worked for years with beads and other components. The evidence of both our work, the memories as well as the human connections are plentiful and cannot be pushed aside. I love being here, if there was only more snow in the winter it would be perfect. Over the years I have grown virtual roots in this country while the real ones have turned to salt and pepper, with a rapid increase in the salt color. Oh well.....

Saturday, February 6

Without the regular schedule of dialysis I am sometimes at a loss which day of the week it is. Luckily when I am sitting at the laptop in the morning reading emails and the news, I can excess day, date and time on the taskbar. Not that it changes much, but at least I know which timeframe I am in.

Of course I worry. Did I forget something? Am I doing everything correctly? At times I worry during the night. I wake up, a thought pops into my mind and I start to worry or worse panic. Scott was very patient and told me not to worry. Doing so was a total waste of energy. "Don't worry unless you have to" was his motto. Logic of course, but if you are already in a worrying or panic mode, you are usually void of logic. I have gotten much better and try to be logic and realistic, but sometimes I slip back into old habits.

The book I got at Border's the other day is a helpful crutch for a sad moment. I keep it handy on the coffee table - the dining table is too cluttered already with legal papers and tax stuff. Opening it at random and read a few of the 2,548 quotes helps. Some of them are quite outrageous, but funny. Spanning from Aristotle to Wood Allen and other famous or infamous people it covers a wide spectrum of topics. The one that made me laugh this morning:

"The chicken probably came before the egg because it is hard to imagine God wanting to sit on an egg" - Unknown

It was quite cold again and windy, but I ventured out to take a walk along the lakefront instead of admiring it from the warmth of the home. I had to fight walking into the wind, it felt good though and cleared the cobwebs in my head to a certain extend. A good breakfast followed, some phone calls and more work on my concurrently running art projects. I always have several unfinished pieces sitting around, but they eventually get completed and new ones started. The only pressure being if they are designated gifts, which sets a deadline.

I met up with Ken and Susi and had a delightful dinner at a Chinese restaurant new to all of us. It had come highly recommended by Ken's daughter Lindsey and rose to the occasion. We had not seen each other for some time and it was good to catch up in person and also exchange hugs. I love hugs.

Friday, February 5

It took me several attempts to put my thoughts into words. Even though yesterday was a better day at Scott's office, today was not a good one. While in the shower I recalled how much Scott loved his showers "think showers" he used to call them. Long, hot ones he took, programming or project problem solvers they were for him. This past year he was denied this simple pleasure, his immobility did not allow for that. I try not to think about the pain of the past months, but sometimes I cannot help it. Today was one of those days. My previous plans to go downtown again and continue working got scrapped. I could not leave the house and kept hitting the tissue box. I started working on my taxes instead.

By mid afternoon I was in a more presentable shape and ventured to Border's. One of our favorite past time outings. I got cheered up by a book that caught my attention "The 2,548 best things anybody ever said" and actually ended up with it. Some of the quotes are truly hilarious and true.

Friends keep commenting on my strength in handling my life. Today I had serious doubts, I did not consider myself strong. But I guess there have to be days like today, where the sadness surfaces and pours out.

I started cooking again which I had avoided until now and I am beginning to enjoy it. Just hitting the freezer and heating up meals was not satisfactory enough any more. A positive sign I guess and a step in the right direction.

Wednesday, February 3

I started organizing Scott's office today. A lot of junk mail and catalogues accumulated during the past year when I just stopped by on occasion but did not spend any time. Looking at all his tools, machines, sketches, notes and partial projects was painful. I was so sorry that he was deprived of all the fun he had prior to becoming housebound. He had never mentioned it or complained, but it hurts me having to move it all. After a while I decided to quit and do something entirely different.

Avatar has been on my to do list and that was exactly what I elected to do. It was a good time there was hardly anybody in the movie theater and I greatly enjoyed the adventure with my 3D glasses. Once again I felt a pang of pain as Scott loved science fiction and special effect movies, he would have loved this one.

It is hard to believe now that two decades ago I told Scott I actually was not interested in science fiction movies at all. Not even Star Wars he wanted to know. I had not seen the Star War series and had no intention of changing that either. Well, Scott had a different plan. I had to see at least the first one. Of course I caved in and we rented Star Wars. I was hooked and wanted to see the Empire Strikes Back right away. Calling the rental place we were told it was due that same evening and just before 11 PM it was returned. Scott was so excited I loved the movie. We shot out of the apartment to rent the movie before the place closed and locked ourselves out of the apartment. It did not matter, after we picked up the movie we had to call security to get back into our apartment and back in front of the TV.

Over the years we watched it several times and named our coffee maker Darth Vader as it tended to make similar sounds.

Scott had succeeded and started my interest in special effect movies and those were the only ones that would coax us to the theater during the past years. Today, watching with fascination I admired the phantastic flora and creatures that had been created in Avatar. I watched also for Scott and know he would have loved it just as much as I did. Tomorrow I shall return to his office and continue to work. It will be easier.

Monday, February 1

The weekend with our friend Sami was great. He is such a caring and thoughtful host. A wonderful mix of culture, musical entertainment, interesting visit with important ceramic collectors and gourmet nourishment was waiting for me. I loved the visit to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, concentrating on two of their current special exhibits, before meandering through the new American wing and a stop at their gift store. Museum gift and book store visits are always a must. Sami managed to get terrific front row tickets for the Broadway musical "Memphis" which was an incredible experience. Between social and cultural entertainment he tried very hard to increase my weight. The choice of restaurants was diverse, the food delicious, my jeans still fit.

The invitation to the loft of acquaintances of Sami's and well known ceramic collectors was an experience in itself. When a collection completely takes over your life and living space, that is truly serious collecting. I had never visited anybody's home where the furniture was kept at the bare minimum to leave enough room for the artwork. A number of larger than life-size sculptures greeted the unsuspecting new visitor and filled them with awe upon entering the loft. Even though the execution of the work did not really meet my taste, it was intriguing and the enthusiasm of the collectors was fascinating. As was the explanation of the meaning behind the art.

By the time I arrived at the airport for my return flight I had the feeling of having been gone from home for more than just the weekend. All those different unforgettable experiences and impressions, a weekend to remember. Sami had done his utmost. I am ever so grateful for his friendship, care and thoughtfulness.

Once at home I missed Scott's company even more, sharing everything with him as I had done for so many years. Moosie was waiting for me and got a briefing of the weekend. Some of you have met Moosie in the past. Those of you who have not, he is a 2,5 ft. tall stuffed moose with a unique personality. Scott and I have been very attached to Moosie for at least 15 years and talked to him regularly, as do I now.

Friday, January 29

Did not get around to write for the journal yesterday. I am getting ready to leave for the airport in a few minutes to spend the weekend in Englewood, NJ with our good friend Sami. More when I get back (maybe heavier, as he will try to put some more meat on my ribs).

I wish all of you a pleasant and happy weekend. Please do keep in mind, even if you are not feeling well or if there are other issues that are currently interfering with your life and make it more complicated or painful, you have to enjoy every day. Just waking up in the morning being able to get your more or less rusty body with creaking or stiff bones out of bed and moving about is already an accomplishment in itself, and too easy be taken for granted. Not everybody has that luxury. Sorry, to be somewhat philosophical, but I am learning to get through the days more with more appreciation. Scott was such an example of endurance, willpower and love for life. It would be inexcusable if it did not have a positive and lasting impact on me. I just want to relay that message to you.

Wednesday, January 27

First I would like to thank those of you who have continued reading the updates of the journal which I changed to Scott's Life Journal. It makes me very happy knowing that stories from our private life or facts I learned from Scott over the years are not getting lost, but will live on with his family and our friends. Thank you for your positive and encouraging comments. It keeps me going.

I am sitting in front of the laptop with the blank white page starring at me ready to be filled with words. Thoughts, situations and stories tumble through my mind. Sometimes I have a difficult time sorting through them and creating a new update. Other times the words just flow freely and I hammer away on the keyboard.

I got and am still receiving so many touching emails and am asking your permission to be allowed to add them over time to the journal. So, please let me know if you want to have some words or your experiences as part of the journal to share with the other readers. It would help bridge the days when my mind is stuck.

Following is a response I received from our friend Doris Weinbaum:

I was so sad to hear the news Scott was a wonderful friend to me. A few of his outlooks on life stay with me. he teased me for being a worrier - (about my daughter Jen, mostly) and told me that "there's no need to worry until you have run out of options". He certainly lived that. I also like his way of thinking of life in 6 year increments - it helped me as I moved out here to think of it that way. I knew I could give it six years, and then I could make a change if I wanted to. He and I spoke a month or two before I moved and I was so harried and exhausted, I'm quite sure I burst into tears - his voice was so soothing and he was so empathetic. I felt so much better after crying with him. I read your update - you were lucky to have him and he was lucky to have you. I am also sad that I didn't see Scott on my last visits, but I am also glad for the times that I did see him: I'm so glad that Judy and I made it to your apartment - it really helped me to visualize you both on your couch looking out over the lake. Scott made the drive out to Oak Park on more than one Weds and we shared a nice lunch together while you were still employed. I'm glad I saw you where you worked and we had that lunch at Blackie's. It was special to me that you both made it to my farewell party, and I have strung the beads you gave me - they will always remind me of Scott. My eyes are tearing as I think of you and of Scott, but I think he's looking out for us all now - he lives on within me and I know he lives on within you and his family I forgot to mention all his help with my computer learning curve - he spent hours with me - so patient and kind. I also loved his idea of ordering something new in a restaurant just by asking for what the person ahead of him in line ordered. I'm chuckling about that right now.

Monday, January 25

I am out of the house a lot, keeping busy with friends. I am very touched by their care, friendship and worries. Am I sleeping enough, eating enough (a big issue as I am definitely not bathing suit material), handling everything, how are my emotions. As long I am with company I am fine for the most part, coming home is a different story. Right upon entering the apartment I am hit with the reality that Scott is not here anymore. Neither can I recount my experiences nor can I discuss my latest craft projects with him and receive his always welcome suggestions for improvement, change or just praise. I usually go to the window and look over the lake he loved so much.

Scott always wanted to live near water, a big body of water if possible. Well, he realized his wish, the view from our place is magnificent and we never got tired of it. The ever changing color of the water, magical during a full moon when it gets transformed into liquid silver or the delicate pastels during dusk. He particularly enjoyed stormy weather watching the waves crash into the rocks. Sometimes we took walks in windy weather and he loved getting hit by the spray of the waves. Having his windbreaker flap around his body like a sail brought a happy glint into his eyes and probably fond memories of his sailing days (which happened BE, before Elisabeth). Over the years we took a lot of walks along the lakefront, sometimes to downtown, returning home via bus to a refreshing shower and nap.

We positioned both the computer desk and my worktable close to the windows so we could both enjoy the view while working. Of course it is distracting, but also inspiring and calming. Often we would muse, why travel someplace else on vacation. Who needs a change of scenery with this kind of view?

When working on a journal update I catch myself many times just glancing out the window lost in thought or just looking at the world down in the park by the lakeshore. As we live on the 35th floor I have quite a lofty vantage point. Susan made a remark that will be forever in my mind. The now bare trees in the park reminded her of miniatures from a model train set that you could just pick up and move around. I love that comparison and imagine how much fun it would be to re arrange them during the night and confuse the heck out of everybody the next morning.

Soon I will get back into the habit of taking long walks along the lakefront. It will be good for my mind and body.

Saturday, January 23

We both loved cats and started enjoyed their company at an early age as both our families had cats. When Scott and I met we still (or again) had one of those furry companions that allow you to share their living space with them. I moved into the neighboring building four years prior to our marriage and we would cat sit for each other. When I first visited Scott's apartment I was surprised to see what he had done for Kelly. First of all she had taken over ownership of a huge comfy chair, using it as her daytime sleeping quarters, but also as a scratch post. Scott had also treated her with a floor to ceiling cat tree with a sleeping house about 6 feet above ground. This contraption was of course in the spacious living room which at the time was otherwise quite sparsely furnished with the exception of Scott's desk, computer and own comfy chair.

He loved his cat and when Kelly passed due to kidney failure while Scott was on a business trip, while my friends and I were watching her, it was just awful. While comforting each other I realized for the first time what a great hugger Scott was. But it was years later when we became romantically involved. A waste of time these years, we later commented, but better late then never. And we made up for the lost time too. We hugged and kissed a lot and held hands. Scott at one time mumbled in his sleep "I like kisses" after I had just planted one on his forehead. He would sometimes talk in his sleep and in the morning had no recollection of the incidents. Well, I concluded, what you utter in your sleep can only be the truth and consequently continued kissing him frequently.

Scott never got another cat and neither did I when I moved in with him. At the time he was still working on his assignment in Cambridge, England and once back in Chicago we decided against it. We were out of town too much, mostly business but also pleasure related to justify the company of a four legged friend. Compensation came in the form of cat sitting and we would provide a temporary home for various cats when their owners were vacationing.

The special place cats had in Scott's heart was reflected in his love for T.S. Eliot's "Old Possum's book of Practical Cats", "Archy and Mehitable" and the cartoon "Mutts". Scott loved Mutts with his little pink sock and would look it up daily online in the comic section of the Washington Post website. This happened sometimes even before he engaged in reading the economic news. I guess he often needed something cheerful prior to the often gloomy news.

Other favorite animals were otters. He loved their playfulness and sheer fun in life. A coffee mug I had purchased years prior to our marriage depicting several otters swimming on their back one of them trying to open a sea urchin, became his daily coffee mug. He would use no other. We both shared the love for strong coffee. But I am getting sidetracked.

Scott's favorite birds were purple martins. Seeing the first ones arrive in Spring always gave him great pleasure. He loved to watch them speed through the air in pursuit of insects. He also loved dragon flies. By sheer luck we have a tree close by our building right a the lakefront which is frequented every year by a large group of dragon flies. Occasionally one would stop darting around and rest close enough to be admired. Their colorful bodies and wings are amazing and we would never get tired watching them.

I think the love for purple martins and their speed originated in Scott's own love for speed. He enjoyed rollercoasters and would sit in the front car (not with me, I refused to go with him but watched from the safety of the ground), he always wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride, unfortunately it never happened. Parasailing and hang gliding fascinated him, I am sure he would have been very good at it too.

To sum it up, Scott just loved life and was able to find joy, amusement and excitement in always discovering new things. He was observant and there was very little that escaped his attention. Needless to say I learned a lot from him and he was ever to eager to share his vast knowledge and once I showed interest in seriously engaging in a new art form or project he was delighted to assist. With his background in physics and interest in chemistry there was no shortness of supplies in his tool room or practical lessons and hints. Yes, we have a tool room and not only a meager small tool chest. As our place is a combination of 2 adjacent apartments, we had a second kitchen which was transformed into a storage, tool and workroom. This is were he was working on the projects he had for three more lifetimes, many of them unfinished or just in their infant stages. It makes me sad looking at them as he was unable to "play" during this past year. However, he never mentioned it or complained. However, it would make him very happy to see that I am continuing to play with my own projects now, using some of the tools. I am just starting.

I was so lucky to share everything with him, at least for the last 21 1/5 years.

Friday, January 22

Yesterday was not a good day. I kept wandering around the apartment teary eyed, frequently hitting the tissue box. Plans to go out were scrapped and I only made it to the laundry room to get a couple loads of laundry done. I promised myself that I would not let this behavior become a regular habit, Scott would have been quite upset. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, tears greatly unsettled him and he would ask me not to cry.

Today was a better and more productive day. I got a late start after being up again for several hours during the night, but felt much better. After taking care of some legal papers downtown I revisited the gift store of the Art Institute and spotted some colorful little baskets. Of South African origin they had been created by Zulu weavers using telephone wire. They are just beautiful and quite a unique representation of recycled art. I only circled around the gift store before getting out into the cold and dreary day to head to the comfort of our home. It is a cozy place, if dusty at times and usually cluttered with magazines and papers, covering part of the dining and practically hiding the base of the coffee table.

Scott used to tell friends that we shared the housework. We both did the grocery shopping and visited the butcher, he cooked and cleaned kitchen and dishes, I did the laundry and paid the bills and neither one of us cleaned. Scott had a great sense of humor with a wicked twist at times. One particular story, which some of you already know, has become legendary.

It happened on one of our long walks along the Chicago Lakefront when we saw a couple heading towards us, looking totally bored. Either with the walk, the weather or each other. That was about to change. Just as they were passing us, Scott looked at me and uttered with a pleading voice "Please don't hit me again". Both heads snapped into my direction with a look of utter shock on their faces of this obvious case of spouse abuse. I thought I never stop laughing, but controlled myself until they were at a safe distance. I told Scott he was lucky I had a sense of humor, to which he only replied that he would not have married me if I did not. And he was right, as it turned out we could both be very silly and always had a good happy time together.

If asked, Scott had this piece of advise "Don't make the other person responsible for your own happiness". We never did, we never expected the other person to give up something or change. We never put that pressure on each other. What you see is what you get. It is a big mistake to expect people to change after you get married and only leads to disappointment.

Tuesday, January 19

Rediscovering Edward Gorey's books at the Art Institute book store the other day triggered my memory. Scott’s interest in literature stretched from the classics to modern, plays, history, mysteries, a collection of math and physics books, encyclopedias. In the classics we overlapped a lot, but my knowledge had a gap in modern American and British literature which he loved to fill. I will mention just a few of his favorite authors and their writings he introduced me to.

T.S. Eliot "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats" (incidentally illustrated by Edward Gorey)

Ogden Nash' Animal Zoo and his animal verses

"Archy and Mehitabel" by Don Marquis

"Krazy Kat" by George Herriman

A.A. Milne "Winnie the Pooh"

Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

Being a man of many talents he would sometimes recite from memory whole sections of these books and always amaze me. He also knew the lyrics to countless songs. Whenever I commented on this astonishing ability he just brushed it aside by saying "I just have a retentive memory".

I greatly enjoyed listening to his "recitals" and encouraged them. I fondly remember an incident early on in our marriage when he discovered I had never read or even heard of "Winnie the Pooh" and started reading to me when I got sick with a bad cold. Resting on the couch under a mountain of blankets I listened until I fell asleep. I loved his voice and sometimes asked him to sing to me, particularly on longer car trips. With his seemingly limitless supply of songs there was no difficulty satisfying my requests.

A contemporary of his favorite Douglas Adams was John Cleese of whom Scott was very fond of. Hence I got introduced to Monty Python and also the British sitcom series of "Fawlty Towers". But movies and TV series will be another topic.

Last year during dialysis I was able to return the favor of bedside reading. Scott spent the entire year during dialysis on a gurnee with his left arm outstretched and immobile hooked up to the dialysis machine. Reading was impossible, TV not an ideal option and when I discovered the book on "Great Physicists" at Border's Scott was delighted. He lit up when I suggested reading the individual short biographies of those extraordinary human beings to him in installments from session to session. And so I did. Reading from the weekly Economist magazine had become quite gloomy at the time.

I learned a lot from Scott as I continued to read week after week. His favorite physicist turned out to be the Indian native astrophysicist Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar or "Chandra" as he became known. Trained in India and at the University of Cambridge, England he later immigrated to the US and joined the faculty of the University of Chicago. Scott's father had the position of Dean of Physics at that time as well as being later the Deputy Director of the Manhattan project. This brought many leading physicists of their time to Chicago. It was an exciting time for Scott meeting these brilliant minds in person, sometimes also in the more relaxed environment as dinner guests of his parents. In addition to Chandra, Scott met nuclear physicist Enrico Fermi, theoretical physicists Robert Oppenheimer and Edward Teller, General Leslie Groves, Director of the Project and many others his father worked with at the time.

Sometimes my reading was interrupted as Scott was recalling connections between physicists and stories, as well as his special personal interest in different areas of Physics. I was often in awe getting a glimpse of Scott's brilliant mind. It made me happy to see how absorbed Scott got in listening and distracted from the unpleasant four hour dialysis sessions. He was always so grateful of my attention and care and would often say how lucky he was. Even when he was bedridden, uncomfortable and restricted in so many ways. It brought often tears to my eyes, which I had to hide of course. But I loved taking care of him and never considered it a duty.

While looking through some of Scott's favorite books I came across "Go out and Come back in" by T.E. Corrigan again. I remember years ago he told me the story of how he saved a man from Lake Michigan whose boat had capsized and who could not get ashore on his own. In the book is a folded letter written by the author several years after the incident, thanking Scott for saving him. Had I not browsed through Scott's library and found book and letter, I doubt I would have ever learned about this rescue operation.

Nor would I have probably learned about his successes as a swimmer. Accidentally stumbling across a stack of boxes in a cabinet holding his medals from many years of swimming back stroke and individual medley, I found out about his athletic accomplishments.

I will never know how he found the time to get involved in such a variety of things and excel in so many fields.

Writing these entries takes sometimes longer, as I am traveling into the past 21 years, recalling and reliving stories and events. It is a quilt of fascinating, happy and fun memories. As there was never an argument of even a harsh word spoken between us, all memories are delightful. I will continue writing about different topics and hope I can keep the interest of the readers going.

Sunday, January 17

How could I have forgotten to mention chocolate? In particular dark chocolate. Scott loved his sweet indulgences and used to say "If there is no chocolate in heaven, I am not going there". And marzipan. During the last few days on our trips to Austria we would always stock up on chocolate, chocolate truffles and marzipan bars to bring back with us, and I am not talking about just a few bars. It added considerably to the weight of our suitcase. A coffee mug we spotted once in a thrift store carrying the inscription "Chocolate...the fifth basic food group" was a must to own.

Sometimes Scott would make this really rich and delicious chocolate mousse. He also loved heavy cream and would use whipping cream instead of milk on his breakfast cereal. I know this sounds totally decadent, but a high metabolism and amazingly low cholesterol level allowed these extravagances. He once mentioned it to his urologist Dr. Garnett, who just shook his head in amazement and added "I just put raspberries and low fat milk on mine". Scott replied "I share your love for raspberries, but mine are eaten with whipping cream".

The love for chocolate, in particular the dark variety, has carried on to the next generation and Susan's descendants, much to Scott's delight. From my last trip to Austria I was still carrying back a sizable amount of chocolate which ended up in California. It seems I will continue to be the chocolate express.

Yesterday was my first day alone and it did feel strange indeed. All the houseguests had left, I did not have a good night, stayed up for quite a few hours, but caught up a bit later. By the time I had breakfast it was already noon. Now that I don't have the dialysis schedule to keep me on track, I have to think twice which day of the week it is. I will make a trip to the dialysis center soon as I have a lot of the special nutritional supplements from Scott left, which I want to donate to them for distribution to some of their needier patients. It will be on a day though which was not our regular treatment day as I am not ready yet to talk to the other patients who used to be in Scott's time slot.

Saturday, January 16

Yesterday early morning Susan and Ernie left. I accompanied them downstairs, some last long hugs and off they went in the cab to O'Hare Airport. After coming back upstairs I was faced for the first time since Scott's passing with the fact of being alone in the apartment. A wave of pain and sorrow swept over me, and after a damp few minutes and some tissues I took a deep breath, told Scott that I would not sit around feeling sorry for myself, but get my butt into gear and do something. And so I did. Another houseguest was already on her way to Chicago to spend some time with me. Anne Mitchell, who had last visited us at the end of October with her friend Terri Caspary had been able to enjoy some precious hours with Scott. It had been one of his better days and we had such a great time together.

It was wonderful to have Anne here, not only to recall the fun times with Scott, admire her new work and talk about other artists and their accomplishments, but do something together. Anne loves Chicago and shortly after her arrival we headed for downtown. On the walk down Michigan Avenue to the Art Institute, we stopped at the Cultural Center and the Pittsfield Building admiring the architecture, ornate ceilings and wall mosaics. After feasting our eyes on the Caravaggio exhibit at the Art Institute and getting good, but probably disrespectful giggles over some of the preposterous depictions of faces and bodies by some of Caravaggio's contemporaries, we started browsing the gift and book till closing time.

Anne discovered Edward Gorey's books in the gift store and we started looking through all the ones they had on display. Scott had introduced me to Gorey sense of humor years ago and I enjoyed discovering his books again and remembering the off the wall type of literature I got introduced to by Scott. But this shall be the topic of another journal entry.

The store's closing announcement took us back into the present time and nourishment was next on the agenda. We had already selected a restaurant, Joe's prime steak and seafood place, which could not seat us in their dining room anymore, being Friday and a popular eatery. The bar area was just fine with us and we enjoyed a delicious seafood dinner with equally superb wine, taking our time finishing both. An after dinner walk to Border's bookstore finished the evening.

Scott always loved great food and wine, often commenting that "life was too short for bad food and wine". I totally agree. He also enjoyed cooking and over the years experimented with his own concoctions and improving them until they turned out to his satisfaction. I became a very appreciative beneficiary of his culinary experiments. As soon as he returned from his 3 year assignment in Cambridge, England, at that point we had been married for close to one year, he asked if I would mind leaving the cooking to him. I did not feel insulted, as it was not meant as a criticism to my own cooking, but he just loved doing it so much. How could I deny such a request? He even cleaned the kitchen when finished and also did the dishes. Over the years our friends got to love his cooking and I became their envy. Having such great meals at home, cut down on our restaurant visits, but at the same time increased the trips to the butcher. Irv at Muller's Meats supplied us with many wonderful standing rib roasts, prime steaks, tenderloins, flank steaks, lamb loin chops, chicken breasts ...... which Scott transformed into mouthwatering meals. The Austrian wines I was able to obtain easily, became a worthy beverage for those dinners.

One of the best Christmas presents Scott ever got, happened during one of our rare winter stays in Austria. Heli, an old school friend of mine and knowing of Scott's love for game meat, presented us with a small saddle of venison she had gotten from a hunter neighbor. What a gift. The excitement he showed when presented with the package exceeded her expectations. After Scott stopped drooling, it was time to come up with a recipe and best method of preparing it. He labored more than a day on how to best serve it. It was one of the most delicious meals and gratifying experiments he had ever done. Over the past years he would often talk about it, a reminder of the great food in Austria he had become to enjoy. The multigrain breads and rolls, rich dairy products, locally made cheeses and wines, mushrooms (he particularly loved chanterelles), smoked trout, game dishes, poppy seed strudel (high ratio of poppy seed), smoked hams and sausages, the list goes on and on. I was fun watching him, displaying such delight in food. Austria being a landlocked country lacks the variety of seafood easily available in the US. Back in the States he could satisfy his craving for mussels, crabmeat, scallops, shrimp, lobster, clams and seawater fish.

To return back to the present time, Anne left this morning after a couple of cups of strong coffee, a talk over future plans and a big farewell hug. She is heading for Iowa City to a one teaching engagement on fine silver fusing scheduled for tomorrow. It was wonderful having her here and being able to spend time together.

Thursday, January 14

Sorry, it has been a few days already since the last update.

In the meantime we discussed the arrangements we will have for Scott's celebration of life ceremony. Some details are still in questions but we got the outlines. The date has been set for Friday, March 19th from 6 PM to 8:30 PM. It will be held at our favorite Italian restaurant and invitations will be sent out in mid February.

We are also planning to have a poster or banner with pictures of Scott and are asking everybody to send their favorite picture and favorite story of Scott to me. I will post the story and with your permission we will use the photographs for the planned display at the banquet room in the restaurant reserved for the evening.

Please do so by February 12. A friend of ours, the painter and photographic artist Mel Theobald will assist with his expertise in this project and will start working with us upon his return from Florida by that date.

Susan and I kept busy with chores but also with some fun projects, such as going to a yarn store, the Art Institute etc. Yesterday our friend Judy took us to her bead store Bodacious Beads where we spent quite some time and left with a few beads (one can never have enough beads), another yarn store and her house to admire her extensive art collection. Ernie returned from Los Angeles and we are spending the last days together. They were such a great help, are leaving tomorrow and I miss them already.

Sunday, January 10

In Susan, Ernie and Alan I have great support to handle the drastic emotional and other changes in my life due to Scott's passing. A lot of the durable equipment such as the hospital bed, oxygen tanks and concentrator etc. needed to be returned. Ernie did some overdue repair work in the kitchen and bathroom before returning to Los Angeles for a few days. He will be coming back on Tuesday to stay the rest of the week, before he and Susan return home.

Alan was helping out making sure all the computers are backed up and running securely. Doing so he learned a lot on how his dad had been organizing everything and also discovered old family data. I gave them old slides they did not know existed. Scott's parents had been socializing with Charles Lindbergh and his wife. A picture taken during one of their dinners at home is a precious memory. Another frequent dinner guest due to a close working relationship with Scott's father, who was the Dean of Physics at the University of Chicago, was Enrico Fermi. Again the existing slide is priceless. This encouraged Alan to continue doing some more genealogy research and while Susan and I spent Thursday in downtown he went to the Newberry library returning home with a sizable stack of information. Scott's cousin's Peter had been doing a lot of work on the family history for years and helped him out as well.

On Friday we continued working on the outlines of the planned ceremony of life service. Not an easy task, emotionally speaking. We are planning on having it at the Via Veneto, an Italian restaurant Scott and I had been frequenting regularly for many years, often by ourselves but also in the company of dear friends. We got everything settled except the date. Susan is coordinating with her daughters and their spouses and we expect to have the results soon.

While working on the different tasks around the house and going through papers we often stopped to share stories, look at pictures or the huge collection of tools Scott accumulated over time. Had he not been through a devastating fire during a brief stay in a suburban apartment complex many years ago, his collection would have been even more extensive. Unfortunately he lost all his belongs along with a lot of documents and irreplaceable pictures as well. The move to the Lake shore was easy after that and he decided never to return to live in the suburbs. Lucky for me, we would have otherwise never met. As a side note: we met about 8 years prior to our marriage through my best friends who were his neighbors.

Alan left at noon today to return to his home in the Los Angeles area. He has a particularly close relationship with his wife which made the separation on top of the emotional stress due to his dad's passing even harder. I very much appreciate all his help.

Susan's company is great comfort to me and I am ever so grateful to her for staying with me as well as Ernie. He will join us soon and we will continue working on arrangements, paperwork, household chores and reorganization. They are both like rocks in a stormy sea. Calm and collected they lend their support wherever needed. It would be incredibly hard to manage without them.

I am being asked on how I am doing. Well, I guess I am still in a state of shock and disbelief, but I try to do my best not to cry too much. Hugs help a lot and Scott's kids as well as Ernie are great huggers. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, Scott got very unsettled by tears and asked me not to cry. And he never asked for much. One other thing he asked me years ago. To keep the kitchen and bathrooms free of beads. Yes, beads which are all over the place. In particular those tiny glass beads that got stuck between his toes or on the bottom of his feet and hurt when walking on them, in particular when wearing socks and shoes on top of them. The beaders of you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Wednesday, January 6

The title to Scott journal has been changed from health to "life journal" which seems more appropriate now. The responses we are getting via email, calls, cards or postings on blogs are overwhelming, literaly speaking too. I catch myself and also Scott's kids getting teary eyed more often than not.

Scott greatly disliked being the cause of pain and sorrow. During the last few months he caught me several times getting damp eyes even though I tried to disappear during those episodes to a safe location and told me "please don't cry". I countered by responding that my hormones were just acting up and there was nothing I could do about it. He accepted this somewhat plausible but still lame excuse and I never knew if he actually believed me or not. Probably the later was the case.

Yesterday we visited the funeral home for the second time. The arrangements had been completed and we will pick up the ashes next week. A big step and very painful had been finalized.

Today Susan, Alan and myself had a meeting with Dr. Sara Sutton who graciously made time for us at her office. All of us wanted to thank her for her outstanding care, kindness and personal involvement in Scott's health. We gave her some more background information on this most unusual patient who had touched her heart in a special way over the last year. Dr. Sutton would come and visit Scott at the dialysis center on a regular basis for several months and later whenever I had her paged in case of an emergency or in need of advice. She is most definetely a shining star in the medical profession and we will keep a special place for her in our hearts.

I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that there are many unanswered questions about Scott's life which I and others will start writing about soon.

Tuesday, January 5

The obituary on Scott was published in the Chicago Tribune today as follows. Any comments you might have please send them to es@bartky.net. They will be shared with Scott's family.

BARTKY, SCOTT

Not many individuals engage in such a diversity of professional jobs over their lifetime as did Chicago native Scott Bartky. His first love was computers, which he amazingly demonstrated by building his first computer in 1948 at age 16. After earning a Bachelors degree in Physics from the Illinois Institute of Technology, he was awarded a Fulbright Scholarship. Scott chose to use his Fulbright to earn a Master of Science at the University of Illinois Champaign Urbana, as this was the university at the forefront in computer science. He excelled from there and became a much sought after troubleshooter in many different industries. Always loving a new challenge, he prided himself in never doing the same job twice. This took him to solving engineering and electronic problems on oil rigs, mines, breweries, hospitals, just to name a few. One of the most challenging jobs was facilitating the first electronic transmission of the New York Times. Over time he was able to claim over 40 patents in his name as well as being a winner of the prestigious IR 100 Industrial Research & Development Reward.

After returning home from a three-year assignment in Cambridge, England, working on the development of ink jet printer technology for which he received several patents, he changed careers and established a name in the bead world. Instrumental in this drastic change was his wife Elisabeth, who had been offered to purchase a jewelry supply business. Soon they started importing tons of glass beads from the Czech Republic, supplying them to bead stores and artists. His creative mind always working on improving things, he developed bead crimping pliers for artists, protecting his invention with two more patents and making a sizable impact in the bead industry. Scott Bartky loved the business, which gave him a creative outlet in the artist world. He would have excelled as an artist, but his early notions had been suppressed by his parents who wanted to see their son to establish his name in the field of academics. Being from a long line of teachers he had a rare innate ability to present all subjects at the level appropriate to the student, from beginner to expert.

Scott's outstanding unfailing optimism, loving, kind, engaging and positive attitude carried him through life and in his later years of illness. Known for his generosity and kindness, he was always available and eager to teach and disseminate his rich knowledge. Never letting himself dragged down by pain and discomfort and surviving 6 cancers, he finally became a dialysis patient in February of 2008. As was his nature, he immediately approached this new health challenge scientifically and designed spread sheets and calculators for his new nutrition requirements and toxic clearance values for his blood. Having lost both kidneys and bladder to cancer this was particularly crucial for survival in addition to making him a very unique patient. He constantly surprised his doctors with his intellect and perseverance combined with a boundless positive attitude. Even as his health kept steadily failing, he never gave up and when asked by one of his specialists during the last week of his life on his mental attitude, he just replied "I will keep on fighting". And so he did, until the health issues became overwhelming and he passed on just after midnight into the new year at the ICU of Northwestern Memorial Hospital with his wife by his side. An inspiration to many he made a lifelong impression on all the people he met.

He will be missed by all those whose lives he touched. In addition to his wife Elisabeth, he is survived by the children of his first marriage, daughter Susan and husband Ernie, son Alan and wife Gail, son Brian, 3 granddaughters, and 5 great-grandchildren.

A memorial service will be planned for February or March.

Sunday, January 3

A New Year, a new leaf, a new life and everything without Scott. It is hard to comprehend that he is gone forever and I will never be able to feel the loving squeeze of his hand, hear the sound of his voice, see the twinkle in his eyes and engage in conversation with him no matter how serious or silly. We used to hold hands all the time and people commented on how rare and unusual it was nowadays.

During his illness I hardly ever left his side, in particular during this last trying months. I used to say, that I go wherever he goes except to the operating room. Now he left where I could not follow and I am just heartbroken. Scott told everybody that did not know already, that we were joined at the hip and so we were. In all the years we were married, to be precise it was 21 years, 5 months and 16 days, we never had an argument or exchange of harsh words. Our relationship was filled with love and harmony. A match made in heaven.

Even during this last few months of his illness, which were so hard on Scott as he had given up so much of his freedom and ability to engage in any kind of activity, he used to say how lucky he was. All those wonderful long walks we used to take along the lakefront, travelling to visit family and friends, cooking and creating new recipies, enjoying good food, working on his beloved computer, experimenting with glass and enamels, molds and pate de verre, it was taken away from him more than a year ago. Projects for three more lifetimes he had and yet he never complained being bedridden and unable to work on any of them. We never talked about it, but I can imagine much it must have frustrated him.

The last few days were stressful and uncomfortable, he woke up from a bad dream the night before his passing telling me he would never leave the hospital again to return to our apartment he loved so much. I was crushed but reassured him that I would be with him to protect and comfort him. And so it was. During his last battle I was with him, holding his hand as we had done for many years and telling him how much I loved him. Hopefully I was able to be of comfort to him, feeling numb and incredibly saddened. My soul mate, best friend and partner had left forever. He will always be in my heart, but it will take a long time to heal.

Scott's daughter Susan and husband Ernie, as well as his older son Alan are with me during this difficult time. As we go through the day working on different tasks, we share stories, tears and laughter and I know he would get irritated to be the cause of pain and sorrow. He never wanted to be a burden to anybody.

I would like to thank those of you who responded trying to comfort us. Please keep returning to the journal and I will keep you posted on future plans for a service.

Saturday January 2, 2010

Temporary Journal entry from Alan Bartky, Scott's Son

Early in the morning, on the night of January 1st 2010 just after midnight and the start of a new year and a new decade, my beloved father W. Scott Bartky passed away peacefully with his wife Elisabeth at his side giving him comfort. Per my Father's wishes, he is to be cremated and a memorial service will be held in the future so that friends and family will have time to make their plans in advance if they wish to attend.

My father still lives in myself, my brother and sister, and all of my sister's children and grandchildren in our hearts and minds and will be dearly missed.

Previous Journal entries: October - December 2009